I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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