She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
