no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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