yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
