It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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