you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
