Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize