If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
