I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
