Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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