I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
