Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
