I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
