the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
