Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
