when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
