Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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