Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
