I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
