Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
