I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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