So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
