Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't deserve a penis
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
