I wannas sexs uuuuu
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm too high and old for this...
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