i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
