Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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