U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
