you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
