Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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