She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
