and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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