I think I died a long time ago.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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