i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
