apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i think i have two assholes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I want her autograph on my taint
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
