put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
