if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
