So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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