you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize