im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
