This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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