Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
try to milk me bitch
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