First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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