I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The Olympian is in my bed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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