So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize