I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
