I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
