If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
