nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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