so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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