I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
