Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
