Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
