Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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