My first STD was from a foam party
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Randomize
