that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
