The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
