I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
