Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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