im drinking this country out of the recession.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
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